Week 9: Conflict in Marriage

Conflict is inevitable in marriage.  There are two types of marital conflict.  According to Gottman, the problems in marriage are either solvable or perpetual.  A solvable problem is something that can be resolved with your spouse.  A perpetual problem is something that will be in your marriage forever in one way or another.  Majority of marital conflict, unfortunately, falls into the perpetual category, 69% to be exact.  Usually a couple has the same argument about these problems over and over again no matter how many years passed.  These problems are usually related to housework, finances, child-rearing, habits, and sex.  “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” (Gottman) Within marital conflict, it’s important to recognize and define your disagreements so you can customize your coping strategies.

When facing a perpetual problem it is important to acknowledge it, talk about it and prevent it from overwhelming the relationship.  The last thing you want to do with a perpetual problem is ignore it or slowly isolating the problem agreeing not to talk about it.  “Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement”.  (Gottman) This can cause gridlock within a marriage.  The key to getting out of gridlock is “motivation and willingness to explore hidden issues that are really causing the gridlock.” (Gottman)  How do you explore the hidden issues?  Usually the issues are personal dreams that are unfulfilled. For an example, some dreams I plan to share more with my husband are desired family activities, what I want out of life,  and what brings me happiness.  Since I started this, he is more understanding and willing to compromise.  On the other hand, when I nag or complain about unspoken expectations contention rises.  Share your significant personal dreams you have for your life with your spouse.  “Unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict . . .endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between the two of you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place.” (Gottman)

Thankfully in the book “Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work”  by John Gottman it provides steps to addressing perpetual problems:

1. Make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh. Admit to your wrong doing in the matter, identify your feelings and use “I” statements.
2. Learn the effective use of repair attempts
3. Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding
4. Learn how to compromise
5. Become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

When I learned this principle of marital conflict I realized I have been going about it all wrong.  I used to believe all problems in a marriage needed to be solved.  I have a bad habit of nagging, criticizing, and flooding my husband with the things I am not happy about.  Then I try to influence my husband to change, failing to compromise with him.  So what is the underlying key to successfully addressing conflict?

Ways to Manage Conflict:

1. Negative emotions are important. They provide how we can improve and love each other better.
2. No one is right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict only two subjective ones.
3. Acceptance is crucial. Understand, respect, and accept them for who they really are.
4. Focus on fondness and admiration.

I am finding these tips very helpful in my marriage.  I still make plenty of mistakes.  But at least this provides tools for me to improve myself.  It has helped me learn there are two sides to every story.  Each person has their preferences, dreams, and habits.  I need to be humble and forgiving towards my spouse so we can work together in our marriage and not against one another.  For anyone who is struggling with conflict in your marriage I hope these tools help you too.