Week 5: Friendship in Marriage

Friendship is the root of a successful marriage.  Some may ask what does friendship mean in a marriage? It goes beyond being kind to one another. Friendship is where you know each other intimately, you know their likes, dislikes, personality and quirks.  It is supporting your partner’s hopes and dreams, being attuned to their needs, having mutual respect for them, and showing overall care and concern.   

How do you foster friendship in marriage?  Strive to do things that express fondness not just in big gestures but through small ways day in and day out.  For an example, if you are making breakfast and you know he prefers his eggs scrambled not fried, you will make him scrambled eggs just for him.  Or you know he likes to have an extra blanket on the bed at night.  You  bring the extra blanket out for him to have at bed time. These little expressions of love will strengthen your friendship. 

Another way to strengthen friendship is spending quality time with each other.  This does not just mean passively watching TV together.  I have found in my life when I work side by side with my husband our friendship grows.  For instance, my husband was really overwhelmed one evening with work responsibilities and house chores.  We wanted to plant winter grass before too late.  But my husband was going out of town for the next three weekends.  He decided the only way to plant the grass was on a week night right after work.  So for the next two nights I made it a priority to help him.  First night was prepping – filling in holes, cutting the grass down to dirt, and setting up electrical fence to keep out animals.  Second night was planting – laying the seed and manure down and testing the sprinklers.  It was a sacrifice of my own time. But as I worked with him, I felt our love grow. I enjoyed being with him because I knew I was helping him lighten his burdens. 

Why is friendship so important in marriage?  “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” [1] Marriage is not just about the physical attraction, but about the emotional connection that comes from true friendship.  When partners are connected at a core emotional level they are more resilient when trouble comes.  In marriage, partners grow and change.  It is important we strive to increasingly get to know each other.  These efforts will build trust and commitment to one another, ultimately leading to a loving and successful marriage. 

[1] Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.