Week 10: "The Marital Poop Detector"

Does something seem off in your marriage but can’t pinpoint the root of the problem?  How do you find problems in your marriage that need to be addressed? John Gottman in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provides a handy way to identify areas for improvement in your marriage.  He calls it “The Marital Poop Detector.” It helps you recognize when something doesn’t seem right in your marriage.  It can be beneficial when couples have a built-in early warning when their marriage quality is in jeopardy.  Some marriage experts believe couples have overblown expectations of one another.  They believe if you lower your expectations you will have less disappointment therefore more happiness.  However, letting things slide is not the way to improve marriage quality.  “Donald Baucom of the University of North Carolina has debunked this idea through studying couples’ standards and expectations of each other.” (Gottman)  In fact, those who hold their marriages to a high standard are the ones with the highest quality and happiness.

Use the statements below to assess how things are going in your marriage right now or recently.  Mark the ones you think apply.  If more than four are marked think about talking to your spouse gently about it within a few days.

1. I have been acting irritably.
2. I have been feeling emotionally distant.
3. There has been a lot of tension between us.
4. I find myself wanting to be somewhere else.
5. I have been feeling lonely.
6. My partner has seemed emotionally unavailable to me.
7. I have been angry.
8. We have been out of touch with each other.
9. My partner has little idea of what I am thinking.
10. We have been under a great deal of stress, and it has taken its toll on us.
11. I wish we were closer right now.
12. I have wanted to be alone a lot.
13. My partner has been acting irritably.
14. My partner has been acting emotionally distant.
15. My partner’s attention seems to be somewhere else.
16. I have been emotionally unavailable to my partner.
17. My partner has been angry.
18. I have little idea of what my partner is thinking.
19. My partner has wanted to be alone a lot.
20. We really need to talk.
21. We haven’t been communicating very well.
22. We have been fighting more than usual.
23. Lately small issues escalate.
24. We have been hurting each other’s feelings.
25. There hasn’t been very much fun or joy in our lives.

In most relationships, usually it’s one person who recognizes trouble and discusses it with the other spouse.  The majority of the time it is women who point out issues in a relationship. However, men can play this role too. Remember these tips from John Gottman when discussing concerns: have a soft start-up without criticism and don’t address any issues right before bed time. Using the “marital poop detector” is vital to a strong marriage because it helps couples sniff out stinky problems before it floods the marriage. As I look at my own marriage, I need to implement some principles in my life. One principle is have a change of heart and increase charity towards my spouse.  For an example, I can pray for strength and goodness to help my husband. Another principle is loving and accepting our spouse can inspire growth in marriage. Whereas focusing on discontents enlarges problems and diminishes love for each other.  Something I can do is look for the good in my spouse rather than habits that bother me. I need to improve myself, not try to change my husband. In the book Drawing Heaving into Your Marriage, they counsel “We are to fix ourselves and love others, not vice versa.” (Goddard)

In order to change within we need to cultivate humility and a repentant heart.  How do we change ourselves?  The key to changing is turning to Christ.  As we turn to Christ our minds and hearts will be softened, our interactions will be more loving, patient, and sweeter.  I would like to close with an excerpt from the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard.  “We need more than a set of skills for expressing discontent and requesting changes.  We need a change of heart.  The only way to build a truly healthy marriage is by being a truly good person- to be changed in our very natures: ‘And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God?  Have ye received his image in your countenances?  Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?’ “ (Alma 5:14).