Week 8: Pride: An Enemy to Marriage

         Pride can be harmful in a marriage.  If a couple isn’t careful, pride can drive a wedge between a husband and wife.  President Benson teaches about pride.  He says, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ . . .Pride is essentially competitive in nature.”  No matter how the world may view or describe pride it is deadly to a relationship.  Often in a marriage couples can play little pride games causing hurt feelings.

           One pride game I have observed is ignoring your spouse or giving your spouse the “cold shoulder.”  I remember one particular evening my husband was upset at the dog because she dug up one of our baby trees.  He was frustrated at the dog but put the anger towards me.  I was trying to be helpful that evening in offering ideas of what to do to keep it from happening again.  My husband was beyond angry, anything I said he would shoot back an attack on me.  I got to the point where I was done being nice.  So I just stared at the ground and ignored him.  He asked, “Are you listening?” I did a very small head nod.  He continued, “Hello?” I just stared at him.  Of course this made him more angry.  I finally spoke and said with a snarky attitude, “What?  This is what you do to me all the time.”  He continued to rant and rave.  Eventually I said I was going inside because all he wants to do is argue and I was done.  Reflecting back I realized I was playing a pride game.  I was being snarky with my husband trying to make myself look better than him. How I was able to overcome this internal struggle was realize where he was coming from and try to have sympathize.  I also was able to identify when I was in the wrong and admitted to my husband.

           Another pride game I’ve witnessed is holding grudges.  I have seen the damaging effect grudges can have in a relationship. When you hold a grudge, you are not turning towards your spouse.  Rather you are holding your spouse hostage by refusing to forgive.  I have seen in family how harmful grudges can be.  In some relationships, grudges have been so strong that they no longer make contact with other family members.  Holding grudges continues the blame and hurt for all involved.  I am reminded of a quote by President Monson, he said, “Blame keeps wounds open.”  Holding grudges is one pride game my husband and I do not play.  When we argue, the longest we are mad is maybe two hours max.  Even though we get mad at each other we are able to come back together to reconcile.  I am grateful for this.

           Lastly, the other pride game I’ve noticed in my marriage is getting caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong.  Both my husband and I are guilty of this.  Often when one admits they were wrong and the other was right, my husband and I will jokingly say, “Wait what did you say?  You said I’m right and your wrong?”  (said with sarcasm). Whether we are joking or serious keeping score of who was right or wrong can be harmful in a relationship. 

           We are warned in Proverbs, “Pride goeth before destruction.” (Prov. 16:18 (Links to an external site.).)  Nothing good comes from pride.  When we have pride we raise ourselves above others seeking competition.  In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. The cure for pride is humility, meekness, submissiveness.  When we allow our spouse’s perspective to influence our thoughts and actions we turn towards each other creating understanding and harmony.