Week 7: Turn Towards Your Partne

          

           In marriage it’s vital to turn toward one another.  This simply means be attuned to your spouses needs.  Be aware of little moments to connect with your spouse.  These opportunities come when your spouse “bids” for your attention, affection, humor, or support.  They usually occur in small moments.  For an example, it is when your spouse asks for a backrub, reaches to hold your hand, or calls to chat during a lunch break.  When you turn toward your spouse in these moments trust, connection, and passion will grow.  John Gottman promises, “being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” [1]

            There can be challenges in turning towards one another.  One challenge I’ve experienced is distraction. Technology is a part of our world. Our phones are constantly attached to us, providing endless connection to the outside world at our fingertips.  Phones don’t just make calls, but are a source to check emails, connect with friends on social media, watch videos, and play games. It is uncommon now to see people without a phone in hand looking at something.  As a result, this causes a distraction from connecting with others face to face.  I’ve seen this distraction prevalent on dates, dinner, bedtime, work, and even in the middle of a conversation.  If we are not careful this distraction can become an addiction where we form a habit for our brains to be distracted. Gottman warns, “The culture of distraction doesn’t benefit intimate relationships, which require the opposite: the habit of being aware and paying attention.  Often both partners will complain that the other is preoccupied and unavailable.” [1] Rather than split your attention, it is important to truly be present when engaging with someone you love.  If you see this problem in your relationship, it is best for both involved to acknowledge it and establish rules of etiquette that work for both of them.

            The second challenge in turning towards each other is excessive individualism.  Excessive individualism is where one person constantly evaluates how everything effects them.  This type of person analyzes every experience and person to see if they have met their needs and honored their preferences.  Someone who is self-involved can create bitterness, loneliness, and negativity in a relationship. I personally struggle with this in my life.  I am quick to analyze situations to see if it works for me or meets my standards. Too often I have turned away opportunities to connect because I am wrapped up in my own agenda or expectations.  Reflecting back, I realize there has been many times my husband has asked me to hang out in his shop with him while he works on various projects.  In my head I think, “I don’t want to be out here in the shop.  There is no comfortable place to sit.  I have things I need to get done in the house.”  Instead of turning towards my spouse to connect, I turn away to my wants.  Since studying marriage principles, I have been working on seeing things in my spouse’s perspective instead of my own.  When there is an opportunity to serve or help, I have been leaving my work to take advantage of that opportunity.  Through these changes, I have been able to connect with my husband on a more regular basis, creating more happiness in our relationship.

            The book, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, teaches how we can overcome our “excessive individualism.”  “The gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to lift our vision from our own petty and relentless wants to something nobler. ‘Every man seeking the interest of his neighbor, and doing all things with an eye single to the glory of God’ (D&C 82:19).” [2]   Through humility, compassion, and charity that we are able to seek the interest of others.  Prayer can also be a powerful agent in changing our hearts to obtain these Christ-like attributes.  As we turn away from ourselves and towards others, we will find greater peace and joy in our lives. 

[1] Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

[2] Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, Utah: Joymap Publishing.