Principles For Marriage

One of the challenges in marriage can be creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families.  For myself, this has not been a major struggle.  I have been married for 11 years now. I feel blessed my in-law relationships and acceptance into extended families have transitioned smoothly.   Although in-law relationships have not been a challenge for me, I feel I have learned some valuable lessons along the way.   In the book,  Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"  James Harper and Susanne Olsen discuss  how to create healthy ties with in-laws and extended family.  I will also share some teachings from this book. First lesson, is form your own identity as a married couple.  In Genesis 2:24 we are commanded to: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife."  Cleaving to our spouses does not just mean ph...

Leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints encourages couples and families to have weekly family councils.  Some may ask, “What are family councils?”  A family council is an opportunity for family members to discuss things.  This could range from talking about problems, planned activities, struggles and triumphs, ways to help one another, and making various family decisions.  Councils within the church play a crucial role in the organization and implementation of the various programs, procedures, and policies.  In 1997 Elder M. Russell Ballard teaches about general councils in the church in the article “Counseling with our Councils”.  Below are specific principles he highlights that are especially relevant and applicable to a family council. Start with a prayer and request the presence of the Holy Spirit.  Prayer can have a powerful influence within a family and allows the Spirit to soften and humble hearts. Everyone shares thou...

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have some non-member friends wonder what we believe regarding sexual intimacy.  We believe sexual intimacy is a divine gift given to men and women to procreate and strengthen their bond and fidelity to one another.  In order to enjoy blessings to the fullest we must have sexual intimacy within the bonds of marriage.  See below principles and teachings from Latter-day prophets regarding sexual intimacy. Physical Intimacy Ordained of God “We bring it into the world with us, but that, like everything else, has to be sanctified. An unlawful gratification of these feelings and sympathies is wrong in the sight of God, and leads down to death, while a proper exercise of our functions leads to life, happiness, and exaltations in this world and the world to come. And so it is in regard to a thousand other things.”  -President John Taylor,  Intimacy in Marriage  (Links to an external site.)...

Does something seem off in your marriage but can’t pinpoint the root of the problem?  How do you find problems in your marriage that need to be addressed? John Gottman in  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  provides a handy way to identify areas for improvement in your marriage.  He calls it “The Marital Poop Detector.” It helps you recognize when something doesn’t seem right in your marriage.  It can be beneficial when couples have a built-in early warning when their marriage quality is in jeopardy.  Some marriage experts believe couples have overblown expectations of one another.  They believe if you lower your expectations you will have less disappointment therefore more happiness.  However, letting things slide is not the way to improve marriage quality.  “Donald Baucom of the University of North Carolina has debunked this idea through studying couples’ standards and expectations of each other.” (Gottman)  In fact, those...

Conflict is inevitable in marriage.  There are two types of marital conflict.  According to Gottman, the problems in marriage are either solvable or perpetual.  A solvable problem is something that can be resolved with your spouse.  A perpetual problem is something that will be in your marriage forever in one way or another.  Majority of marital conflict, unfortunately, falls into the perpetual category, 69% to be exact.  Usually a couple has the same argument about these problems over and over again no matter how many years passed.  These problems are usually related to housework, finances, child-rearing, habits, and sex.  “Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” (Gottman) Within marital conflict, it’s important to recognize and define your disagreements so you can customize your coping strategies. When facing a perpetual problem it is important to a...

         Pride can be harmful in a marriage.  If a couple isn’t careful, pride can drive a wedge between a husband and wife.  President Benson teaches about pride.  He says, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ . . .Pride is essentially competitive in nature.”  No matter how the world may view or describe pride it is deadly to a relationship.  Often in a marriage couples can play little pride games causing hurt feelings.            One pride game I have observed is ignoring your spouse or giving your spouse the “cold shoulder.”  I remember one particular evening my husband was upset at the dog because she dug up one of our baby trees.  He was frustrated at the dog but put the anger towards me.  I was trying to be helpful that evening in ...

                      In marriage it’s vital to turn toward one another.  This simply means be attuned to your spouses needs.  Be aware of little moments to connect with your spouse.  These opportunities come when your spouse “bids” for your attention, affection, humor, or support.  They usually occur in small moments.  For an example, it is when your spouse asks for a backrub, reaches to hold your hand, or calls to chat during a lunch break.  When you turn toward your spouse in these moments trust, connection, and passion will grow.  John Gottman promises, “being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” [1]             There can be challenges in turning towards one another.  One challenge I’ve experienced is distraction. Technology is a part of our...

In my marriage I tend to nitpick and complain about little things.  Such as dishes need to be done, dirty clothes put away, and clutter picked up.  Usually this causes my husband and I to be grouchy, sarcastic, and short with one another. I learned this week these things can ruin a marriage over time.  Elder Joe J. Christensen teaches “ ‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as  constructive  criticism is actually  destructive .” The antidote to criticism and contempt is nurturing fondness and admiration in a marriage. This week I’ve been working to increase my admiration towards my husband.  I first reflected on good times we recently shared together – o...

Friendship is the root of a successful marriage.  Some may ask what does friendship mean in a marriage? It goes beyond being kind to one another. Friendship is where you know each other intimately, you know their likes, dislikes, personality and quirks.  It is supporting your partner’s hopes and dreams, being attuned to their needs, having mutual respect for them, and showing overall care and concern.    How do you foster friendship in marriage?  Strive to do things that express fondness not just in big gestures but through small ways day in and day out.  For an example, if you are making breakfast and you know he prefers his eggs scrambled not fried, you will make him scrambled eggs just for him.  Or you know he likes to have an extra blanket on the bed at night.  You  bring the extra blanket out for him to have at bed time. These little expressions of love will strengthen your friendship.  Another way to strengthen frie...

Every marriage will face three wolves: natural adversity, imperfections, and excessive individualism.  Out of these three “wolves” excessive individualism is detrimental to our society.  In America, we value individualism, autonomy and freedom to choose.  But at what point can those values become harmful?  When a man and woman join together in marriage they agree to support one another, to love, help and serve one another. They promise to give of themselves to help their spouse grow.  In today’s society there is a common obsession with one-self.  People often focus their energy on career, image, and autonomy.  Some extremes leading to fear of commitment and even viewing family life (marriage and children) as bondage.  Our culture is changing from striving to grow families to individuals seeking self-fulfillment.  This ideology creates contractual attitudes leading people to walk away when trouble comes.  As a result, civil marriage...

Before I jump into today’s discussion, I want to first share my beliefs and standards regarding marriage. There are many purposes of marriage, such as bringing together two individuals and their families, learning to love, serve, and grow beyond our own abilities, and most crucial is to procreate.  Marriage is a divine institution created by our Heavenly Father for a man and a woman.  “Gender differences is unique and each is necessary culturally and biologically for optimal development of a human being.” [1] What difference does it make if States legalize same-sex couples to marry? I used to think a same-sex couple deciding to get married doesn’t affect me so why should I care.  In my research I discovered there are many effects for me personally, for our society, and for the rising generation. Here are just a few reasons why we should not redefine marriage in our States. - Marriage between a man and a woman provide the ideal environment for a human being to d...

Our lives are constantly bombarded with demands from work, school, friends, etc.  Although these are good things, too much can distract as from what matters most: the family.   “ …only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.”   President Spencer W. Kimball. What specific types of things will you do to ensure you preserve your family in the midst of gathering evil? Sometimes I feel my life is constantly on the go.   As a mom of 6-month-old twins, school and church, I get overwhelmed.   I really value time with my family.   I notice when I spend time with them, I am happier.   Time is so important in this life and how we us it matters.   I have been working on using my time to create memories and strengthen relationships. A few things I try to do to preserve my family is family dinner.   Life gets busy during the week, and family dinn...

My name is Jessica and I've been married to my husband for 10 years now. Wow, I can't believe how time has flown!  I enjoy camping, gardening, playing the piano, and spending time with my family.  This is my first time posting on a blog site so bear with me.  I am excited to share my journey as I learn about marriage and family.  My husband and I struggled with infertilitly for 8 years and it nearly broke our hearts.  I used to be a foster mom and had a variety of children in my home and worked with many families.  We were hoping to foster to adopt, but God had different plans for us.  By way of inspiration, a family friend introduced a well-known and affordable fertility doctor.  Shout out to Dr. Amols at New Direction Fertility!  Now we are blessed with twin girls, delievered in Spring 2019.  I enjoy helping children and strengthening families.  It brings me joy watching others learn, grow, and feel loved.   I e...