Week 13: In-Law Relations

One of the challenges in marriage can be creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families.  For myself, this has not been a major struggle.  I have been married for 11 years now. I feel blessed my in-law relationships and acceptance into extended families have transitioned smoothly.  Although in-law relationships have not been a challenge for me, I feel I have learned some valuable lessons along the way.  In the book, Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"  James Harper and Susanne Olsen discuss  how to create healthy ties with in-laws and extended family.  I will also share some teachings from this book.

First lesson, is form your own identity as a married couple.  In Genesis 2:24 we are commanded to: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife."  Cleaving to our spouses does not just mean physically cleaving but to emotional and spiritual cleave to our spouse. In my marriage, both sides of the family have allowed us the physical space to create our own identity.  My parents and my husband’s parents have never intruded our personal space.  They come over when invited and respect our time alone. In addition, I have received advice from a friend that said problems within your marriage should stay in your marriage.  Harper and Olsen provide an analogy explaining this boundary. “It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law.” (Harper & Olsen, 2005)  Married couples should work together on how they can repair and strengthen that invisible fence.  I strive to do this by asking my spouse about his day and listen to his problems.  I try to withhold judgement and keep his thoughts confidential.  As I do this, I hope he knows he can trust me and confide in me.

Another way to form marital identity is having your own traditions.  Harper and Olsen advise, “Sensitive parents-in-law recognize it is important for couples to develop their own traditions and have time together on special occasions. Parents can help by genuinely not pressuring their grown children to be at every family gathering, even though they will be missed.” (Harper & Olsen, 2005)  I am fortunate my parents and my in-laws have never pressured me or made me feel guilty for missing family gatherings or for creating our own traditions.

The second lesson is the importance of including new spouses in extended family. Each side of mine and my husband's extended family welcomes us.  The always gives us hugs and expresses love for us.  Each family invites us to events and show warmth and love.  For an example, every time I go visit my husband’s grandma she gives me a long gentle hug and then pulls back slowly, looking into my eyes and tells me she is so grateful I am in their family and how much she loves me.  This gives me comfort and happiness knowing I am accepted in their family. I don’t hesitate to call her my grandma either.  The same goes for my side of the family too.  All my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandma absolutely adore my husband.  They show excitement and enthusiasm every time he visits.  My husband has shared many times he loves my family and appreciates how kind they are to him. 

Another important aspect of being included in an extended family is building the relationship with the mother-in-law and father-in-law. “It is important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals. . .Mothers-in-law might consider inviting their daughters-in-law for a lunch and then work toward a balance of self-disclosure and acceptance in the conversation.” (Harper & Olsen, 2005) My mother-in-law has been amazing at creating a bond with the daughter-in-laws.  She calls us her "girls" and tells us we are her daughters.  Furthermore she has created traditions for just us girls.  This helps us feel wanted, special and loved.  For instance, she takes her daughter and daughter-in-laws out Easter dress shopping every year.  She also invites us over to do girls day occasionally too.  I was the first one who married into the family and I always felt I created a special bond with my mother-in-law. Prior to marriage, I dated my spouse back in high school.  After school, I would often go to his house without him just to eat fudge bars and watch Reba with my mother-in-law.  I know over time this built a strong foundation for my relationship with my in-laws.

The last lesson is accepting differences.  Being married for over a decade,I have come to realize there are some differences in the family I grew up in and the family my husband grew up in.  Sometimes this has caused frustration, hurt, and annoyance.  But I have learned to accept the differences.  “Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences.” (Harper & Olsen, 2005)   If there is a major problem I communicate those issues with my spouse and we decide what to do.  For instance, when I became a mom a new dynamic was introduced in my relationship with my mother-in-law.  I use to vent with my husband things that really bothered me.  I have learned to accept some differences with humor and patience.  I seek to understand her perspective.  I am grateful I can talk about major issues with my husband to gain insight and adivce on what to do.

Parents of adult children also have to work to accept differences too. “A more realistic expectation is children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them.” (Harper & Olsen, 2005) When there are big family differences we fortunately  have not experienced major drama.  We have always shared major differences and concerns with those involved and try to treat others with respect at family gatherings.  Harper and Oslen reinforce this stating, “Where there are strong differences, personality clashes, or even past offenses, it is important to lay those aside at extended family gatherings and treat each other with politeness, dignity, and respect.” (2005) I have found when I lay aside differences for family gatherings, it allows everyone to enjoy the family time without drama.

In closing it is important for family members to understand family is a source of strength. Married couples should cleave to their spouse, being faithful and supportive.  At the same time married couples should not forget their parents. Furthermore, “Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.” (Harper & Olsen, 2005) 

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.