Week 6: Fondness & Admiration

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In my marriage I tend to nitpick and complain about little things.  Such as dishes need to be done, dirty clothes put away, and clutter picked up.  Usually this causes my husband and I to be grouchy, sarcastic, and short with one another. I learned this week these things can ruin a marriage over time.  Elder Joe J. Christensen teaches “ ‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive.”
The antidote to criticism and contempt is nurturing fondness and admiration in a marriage. This week I’ve been working to increase my admiration towards my husband.  I first reflected on good times we recently shared together – our recent 10 year anniversary trip to Vegas and the strength and comfort he provided after I delivered the twins. I reflected on the love and joy I felt with my husband during those times.
Next, I’ve been working on identifying one thing each day that I admire about my husband.  Yesterday was a stressful afternoon with the twins after running some errands.  I shared with my husband that I was exhausted from the day.  He offered to do the dishes for me after dinner so I can relax.  I admire his willingness to help me.  Then later in the middle of the night, one of the twins was struggling to sleep.  I had been up from 3-4am. I was getting frustrated and tired. Just before I was about to lay back down, my husband woke up and became aware of what I was dealing with.  He gently stroke my hair and cuddled with me.  This little gesture calmed me down and helped me fall back asleep.  I admire his sensitivity to my feelings and his gentleness in tending to my needs. 
Since focusing on my husband’s traits that I admire, his habits that tend to annoy me have not seemed to bother me.  I find myself less critical and more compassionate towards him. In addition, I’ve been sharing with my husband appreciation and vocalizing specific traits I admire about him. I can sense a growing love and peace between us since this small change. I’ve noticed as I’ve refrained from complaining and criticizing there is less arguing and pettiness between us.  Small acts of kindness have increased between us.  I am looking forward to continuing to work on this new skill in my marriage.

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